Today we’re going to look at ideas on how to manage emotions in your relationships so that they are more effective in marriage, in the extended family, in your religious community, or at work. We all experience pleasant and unpleasant feelings on a daily basis. And when we strive to cultivate good feelings, which depend on good thoughts, this helps in resolving conflicts in our relationships with people.
Some people, when dealing with conflicts, may unleash words and feelings, have attitudes that hurt and make everything worse. While others may repress their emotions, not say or do what might have been important to say or do, and act to resolve the conflict.
Dr. Daniel Shapiro, a psychologist and associate professor at Harvard University Medical School, has thought for many years about how emotions can help as well as hinder problem solving. Early in his career, he helped create a pilot conflict resolution program for patients receiving care for psychotic disorders at McLean Hospital, which is affiliated with Harvard University. Later, he trained the New York police hostage negotiation team. He currently consults international leaders on how to resolve political disputes.
One of the findings of his studies and those of other mental health professionals is that conflicts can be resolved more successfully when reason and emotion are taken into account. In other words, it’s not just about using reason; the challenge is to learn how to deal appropriately with a range of positive and negative emotions, such as fear, pride, shame, hope, despair, euphoria and frustration, without becoming overwhelmed.
The recommendation is to focus on the central concerns and not on the emotions you feel, but to focus on the concerns in search of resolution, so as not to sink emotionally by thinking about them. Many concerns we have relate to basic human desires and needs that are behind the painful and even non-painful emotions that arise in any conflict. We can learn to steer our feelings in a more positive and productive direction when we experience some kind of conflict, which is important if we don’t want to be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings.
Some central issues have been identified to help us with this. First comes appreciation. When conflict arises in our lives, we want to be appreciated, that our struggle or difficulty is understood. In the course of a conflict with someone, it helps a lot if you consider and express appreciation for what the other person is saying. This prevents the conflict with them from escalating, helps to resolve the problem and strengthens the relationship.
If, for example, you’re in an argument with your spouse about something, appreciate what he or she is saying. How do you do that? Well, listen to what the other person is saying with respect. Think about what he or she is saying, rather than thinking about the next thing you want to say. You could say, for example: ” Wow, I can imagine how difficult it is for you to live through this situation and deal with these feelings.”
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington in Seattle, found that couples who express appreciation for each other are more likely to stay married than couples who do not.
In his research, he observed that couples in stable marriages expressed around five positive emotions, such as showing interest, affection or humor, for example, during the discussion for every negative emotion, such as defensiveness, contempt or anger. When starting a conversation to try to resolve a conflict, expressing gratitude for something the other person has done or is doing sets the tone for the conversation and is a good way to start the dialog.
Another characteristic that helps us deal better with our feelings when trying to resolve a conflict is affiliation. This means avoiding that “me against you” attitude, avoiding a dispute, avoiding competition. Think about building or maintaining an alliance or a good emotional connection with the other person involved in the conflict. Cultivate the mindset of creating cooperation to solve the problem. When we talk about building affiliation, we mean approaching the differences between you and the other person as problems to be solved together, in friendship rather than war. Even when the issues that divide people produce difficult and heated feelings, thinking about creating cooperation to resolve conflicts can help. So it’s not “me against you” or “you against me”, but “how can I join you and you join me to solve this problem?”
Another aspect that helps resolve conflicts is autonomy. Many conflicts arise when people feel that they have not been adequately involved in a decision that has repercussions on their lives directly. For example, if a boss, driven by feelings of anger, envy or insecurity, transfers an employee to another department in the company that is not right for the employee, or transfers the employee to another city, he has violated the employee’s autonomy, in the sense that the employee has the right to participate in decisions about changes in their work. This requires dialog, sincerity and a spirit of respect for the other person as a person. It can’t be dictatorial or authoritarian, because that makes the conflict worse.
When you’re in the middle of a conflict with someone, there can be competition in terms of hierarchical position or experience. One person might say: “Oh, I’m more experienced than you in this area” and want to impose their idea instead of putting it on the table for everyone to study and evaluate. However, the person’s status can be used in a positive way. For example, you can start the conversation by asking for advice from someone else who may have more experience, which will help in the quest to solve the problem.
Finally, there is function. What role do you play and how can this help or hinder conflict resolution? Sometimes we need to adjust our role in order to find solutions to the problem. For example, a wife comes home and wants to discuss a situation at work with her husband, but the husband interrupts and offers advice on how to solve the problem. The advice may be good, but the wife gets angry and scolds her husband for interrupting what she needed to say. She wants him to listen to her. So the husband’s most productive role or function is not as an attorney, but as a listener.
Those are some powerful concepts about conflict management. You may need to read the article again and chew on some ideas to understand and apply them. But if you put these concepts into practice, you’ll avoid a lot of stress in your life and your relationships will change for the better.
Do you need a guide to help you understand how to cope with Stress in an all inclusive approach? Learn how to combat stress, mentally, physically, emotionally and strategically in your life.
Dr. Cesar Vasconcellos de Souza is working as a psychiatrist and international speaker. He is author of 3 books, columnist of the health magazine “Vida e Saúde” for 25 years, and has a regular program on the “Novo Tempo” TV channel.
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